School Refusal: What Perth Parents Can Actually Do

It starts with a stomach ache. Then it's tears at the gate. Then one morning your child simply won't get out of the car, or out of bed, and nothing you say makes any difference.

If you're living through school refusal, you probably feel stuck between your child and the school. The school wants them there. Your child is telling you, in every way they can, that they can't go. And you're the one in the middle, often getting judged from both sides.

I worked in schools for 28 years, including as an Assistant Principal, and I've sat in a lot of meetings about attendance. Here's what I want every parent to know: school refusal is not naughtiness, and it's not bad parenting. It's a sign that something about school has become too much for your child. Once you work out what that is, things can change.

What school refusal really is

School refusal (some families prefer the term "school can't") is when a child becomes so distressed about going to school that they can't attend, or can only attend in part. It's different from wagging. A child who's wagging is usually hiding it and doing something more appealing. A child refusing school is usually at home, anxious, and often wishes they could go.

It's very common in neurodivergent children, especially children with autism, ADHD, PDA, anxiety or learning differences. Often it follows months of the child holding it together at school, then falling apart at home.

Early warning signs

Catching it early makes a big difference. Look out for:

  • Physical complaints on school mornings (stomach aches, headaches, nausea) that ease on weekends and holidays
  • Sunday night dread, or trouble sleeping before school days
  • More meltdowns or shutdowns after school
  • Asking to stay home, come home early, or be picked up
  • Late arrivals, or long, difficult drop-offs
  • Spending more time in sick bay or with the school nurse
  • A child who used to cope now saying they hate school, a teacher, or a particular subject

What's usually behind it

School refusal is a signal, not the actual problem. Common causes I see:

  • Sensory overload: noise, crowded corridors, assemblies, the canteen
  • Learning that's too hard, or a learning difference that hasn't been picked up
  • Social difficulties: friendship problems, being left out, or bullying
  • A particular teacher, class or part of the day that feels unsafe
  • Change: a new teacher, a relief teacher, a new school, the start of a term
  • Being exhausted from masking all day, every day
  • Demands that feel impossible, especially for children with a PDA profile

Often it's several of these together. Your job isn't to fix everything at once. It's to work out which ones matter most for your child.

What helps at home

1. Take the pressure off the conversation.
Arguing, bribing or forcing usually makes anxiety worse. Stay calm, acknowledge how hard it feels, and keep the conversation for later, when they're regulated.

2. Get curious, not cross.
Ask questions with your child, not about them. "What's the hardest part of the day?" "Is there a time it feels OK?" Some children can't explain it in words. Drawing, rating parts of the day from 1 to 10, or talking in the car can help.

3. Keep a simple log.
Write down which days are hard, what's happening at school that day, and how your child is in the morning and after school. Within two or three weeks, you'll usually see a pattern. It's also your best evidence when you speak to the school.

4. Make home days calm and predictable, but not a holiday.
If your child is home, keep a routine that looks a bit like a school day. The aim is a safe place to recover, without making home so much more appealing that going back feels even harder.

5. Look after yourself.
School refusal is exhausting, and it can affect your work, your relationship and your other children. Getting support for yourself isn't selfish. It helps you stay steady for your child.

Working with the school

You can't solve school refusal at home alone. The school day has to change too. In Australia, the Disability Standards for Education 2005 require schools to consult with families and make reasonable adjustments for students with disability, and that can include many neurodivergent students. A diagnosis isn't required for a school to start making adjustments.

Things to ask about:

  • A gradual return plan: starting with part days or favourite lessons, then building up
  • A soft start: arriving before the rush, or coming in through a quieter entrance
  • A safe person and a safe place your child can go to without having to explain
  • Changes to the hardest parts of the day, like assemblies, the canteen or a particular class
  • Less work, or adjusted work, while your child rebuilds their confidence
  • A regular check-in between you and the school, so you're working together

In WA, public schools can also involve their School Psychology Service. Ask the school whether that's an option for your child.

Go into the meeting with your log, a clear list of what you've noticed, and two or three specific adjustments you'd like to try. Ask for the plan in writing, and set a date to review it.

Getting help quickly matters

The longer a child is out of school, the harder it usually is to go back. That's not a reason to panic. It's a reason to act early.

Get help if:

  • Your child has missed several days, or more, this term
  • Mornings are getting harder each week
  • You've spoken to the school and nothing has changed
  • Your child is very distressed, withdrawn or talking about not wanting to be here

If your child talks about self-harm or not wanting to be alive, contact your GP straight away. They can also call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (any time, any day). In an emergency, call 000.

How I can help

I help parents work out what's really driving school refusal and what to do next, at home and with the school. I'm a former Assistant Principal with a Master of Special Needs, so I know how schools work from the inside. I can help you prepare for meetings, ask for the right adjustments, and build a return plan your child can actually manage.

I'm an educator, not a psychologist, so I don't diagnose. I work with families with or without a diagnosis, including those still on a waitlist. I'm based in Perth and work with families across WA and Australia via Zoom or in writing. For self-managed and plan-managed NDIS participants, my support may be claimable.

→ See how I can help

→ Download my free guide: 12 Questions to Ask at Your Next School Meeting

Dom is an Education and Disability Consultant and the founder of From Chaos to Clarity. Dom spent 28 years in schools, including as an Assistant Principal, and holds a Master of Special Needs. This article is general information, not medical or psychological advice.